Ted's Lament

It wasn't the first time that he had been slapped with a fish, but that didn't make it any easier. It was getting harder and harder to find good pastries in this town.You've probably heard the phrase "a face that just makes you want to hit him", well Ted had that face. It wasn't just an expression either. Everywhere that he went, people tended to strike Ted in the face. Sometimes they'd slap him, or punch him, or hit him with a rolled up newspaper, or even smack him with a fish (usually a dead one). There's really no coming back from getting hit in the face with a dead fish. No matter what you do, everybody will remember the incident as some guy hitting smacked across the face with a fish. They'll remember the sound, that THWACK as cold, scaly flesh met warm, soft cheek. Knowing this, Ted didn't even bother with any sort of rebuttal, he just repeated his order for a half dozen plain bagels. The clerk behind the counter grabbed a piece of tissue paper and with the rustling and crinkling of the paper set about filling Ted's order. A few moments later, Ted exited the bakery with his bagels in hand and a red mark on his face. The patrons of the bakery barely even acknowledged the events which had just taken place. They just continued on eating their doughnuts and croissants, sipping their coffees and living their lives without the fear that random people would hit them in the face. Ted had no such luxury. In fact, as soon as he walked out of the bakery, an old woman hit him with an umbrella. For somebody who had survived a lifetime of blows to the face, this was still a bit confusing for Ted. "Why did this woman have an umbrella?", he thought to himself. It was a nice day and the forecast did not call for any rain. Ted shrugged and just wrote it off as a crazy old lady that always carried an umbrella.  People hit him all the time, and it barely registered in their minds. It was almost as natural as covering their mouth when they coughed. Witnesses stood by and did nothing, barely reacting at all. One time, a policeman watched as a waitress at a Applebee's struck Ted before taking his order. In this case, the policeman didn't idly stand by. No, he walked over and also hit Ted in the face. With his steak, no less!  Ted had long ago given up trying to rationalize any of this. He just accepted it. If he was to be perfectly honest, he'd tell you that he sometimes hit himself across the face when looked at his reflection.  It wasn't just people, either. Birds had been known to dive bomb his face, cats and dogs swiped at it with their paws, and bees were constantly stinging him.  Ted wasn't bothered by any of it. He no longer flinched, he didn't even bother to try to defend himself against the constant facial onslaughts. There was no way around it, Ted just had one of those faces, and he had learned to live with it.